Angst in the Night

I’m trying to get tables set up for a big Thanksgiving Dinner.  There are lots of tables and they all have tablecloths and I am trying to fit all of the tables into a very small place and I’m having to move a lot of furniture to get everything to fit.  There are a lot of people who have already arrived and they aren’t helping me.  They are just watching me and chatting to each other.  But then I say something to them and they start trying to help and it gets worse.  Things keep spilling and dropping off of the tables.  I finally have to take all of the tablecloths off and can’t use them and tell everyone to just put everything else back on the table - cloth napkins, silverware, flowers, plates, glasses etc.  But they aren’t doing it right so I have to follow them and correct everything.  In the meantime the food is ready and it’s not Thanksgiving food but Mexican food.  I have to go out the door and down a hill to get the food.  I bring some of the food out but it gets spilled and people are wiping it up with good cloth napkins so there is food and dirty cloth napkins everywhere you look.  So I start over and try to get things cleaned up and now everyone is talking to me when I am trying to work and they keep commenting on what a tough time I was having but not helping and I couldn’t understand why not but I also didn’t want them to help because whenever they did they didn’t do anything right.  I have to keep reheating the food.  I’m still trying to get the tables set up when the caterers show up to serve food.  But I didn’t order any caterers so they are just getting in my way.  They keep trying to bring food out in plastic containers.  I keep chasing them away because the tables aren’t set up and I tell them I don’t want those ugly plastic containers on my tables.  I finally tell them they should just go home to their families and have their Thanksgiving.  They say they don’t have anywhere to go so I give them the kitchen they were working out of and tell them to just have their Thanksgiving there with the food they brought. So they do.  I finally decide that all I need on the tables is the silverware and napkins and that would be sufficient because people are now getting a little inpatient and wondering when we are going to eat.  A couple of them say they might have to be leaving soon.  I finally get all of the silverware and napkins on the tables and I go down the hill to get the food but when I come back the tables are gone and a truck is there to deliver the biggest table ever.  Jon had ordered it when he saw how much trouble I was having which was really nice so I couldn’t say anything but I had to put the food back again and was back to square one with setting up the table.  And in my dream I turned to someone and said this is like one of those stress dreams where you just can’t get anything done.  

I have always been a very vivid dreamer.  Nearly every morning I wake up remembering a dream from the night before.  They are always colorful and complicated and weird and have people in them that I haven’t even thought about in 30 years.  But the stress dreams are the worst.  I wake up feeling exhausted .  .  . and stressed.  Sometimes I ask myself why did I have one of my stress dreams, I’m not stressed.  But then I think about what is going on at work or the world or with one of the kids and ah yes, I guess I am stressed.  And I thank the  consciousness of my subconscious for bringing this to my attention because I am one of those people who doesn’t know how stressed she is until the stressor is eliminated.  Then I say, “Oh Wow.  I feel so much better.  I was really stressed.”  So now when my dreams tell me I am stressed I believe them and take a look at my life and figure out what needs to change.  

Now I’m at school and I know I have a big Math exam that day but I have just remembered that I haven’t been to the class all year.  I can’t remember what classroom it is in and can’t find my schedule to figure it out.  I know that I need to go to the office to get a new copy of my schedule but I can’t remember how to get to the office.  I think that maybe if I can get to my locker and get the Math book I’ll remember where the class is.  But I can’t remember where my locker is or I can’t remember the combination to my lock.  I wander the halls of the high school but nothing looks familiar and I start to wonder if I have been to any of my classes all year. 

I have been having nearly nightly stress dreams lately.    I believe I feel sadder and more stressed than I ever have in my life.  Between Covid, the assault on women’s rights, war in the Ukraine, the continuing election of uncooperative, out of touch, worthless politicians, the decline of honor and integrity in our country, the increased displaced power of social media, the ever increasing and ever present racism and shootings, our totally dysfunctional healthcare system and climate change,  I often feel hopeless and helpless.  I ask myself are things really worse than ever before or am I just paying more attention because of the 24 hour news cycle.  I think back to World War II and the Depression, the Dust Bowl, and even the 60’s when I was growing up surrounded by news of assassinated civil rights leaders and presidential candidates, the Cold War, the Viet Nam War showing live in my living room, and violence directed at peaceful protesters for civil rights. We’ve certainly had our bad times.  The difference I believe is that common decency and a shared opinion of right and wrong is what is missing now more than ever.  And that’s what is scary to me.   Our country is spiritually wounded.

This time I am standing in a nondescript room and talking to a friend.  Every time I open my mouth to talk some of my teeth fall out.  I have to put my hand under my chin when I talk so I can catch my teeth.  Right before they fall out I hear a crunching sound like they are breaking off.  I try to talk without opening my mouth thinking that will keep me from losing my teeth but it doesn’t work. I can feel them loose in my mouth and know they will fall out the minute I open my mouth again.  So I stop talking and keep my mouth shut for awhile. Then after a bit I start to talk again thinking I am safe but I’m not and more teeth fall out.  

This is what I believe: I believe that the vast majority of people in this world are good people and want the same thing - to be safe, to raise a family and be able to offer their children opportunities, to work at a rewarding job, to be financially secure, to have healthcare and the means to get an education, to have a community of like minded people.  I do what I can to help in my job and in my community but when I look at the global picture I feel paralyzed.  

I am trying to get out of the house and someplace I need to be but things keep happening that keep me from getting out of the house.  I can’t find my shoes or I find my shoes and they don’t fit me anymore so I have to find other shoes.  Then I am looking for my suitcase and it isn’t where it usually is so I have to search the whole house to find it and when I do find it I put all of my clothes in it and then discover that the zipper is broken and I can’t shut the suitcase.  So I put all of my clothes into garbage bags and just as I am walking out the door the garbage bags split open and all of my clothes fall out onto the floor.  I finally get my clothes into the car but I don’t have my key, can’t remember where I put it or what it even looks like.  So I try to call Jon and when he answers I can hear him clearly but he can’t hear me.  So I keep hanging up and keep calling but the same thing keeps happening.  

I once read a quote that sounded something like this:  “Americans will always do the right thing after they have tried everything else.”  I want to believe this to be true.  But I’m getting inpatient - how many more things do we need to try before we do the right thing?  

Right now I’m not liking my country a whole lot.  

And the stress dreams continue.