EXCITEMENT WITHOUT THE BREATH
A Skunk Ape got my husband.
I have four sons. My oldest, Zach, has always been a little more sensitive than the other boys. We found this out one evening when he was about 4. My husband, Jon, jumped from around a corner and said BOO! It scared Zach so bad he threw up. Needless to say Jon felt really bad and we filed that one away — do not startle Zach.
Zach used to have a love/hate relationship with all things supernatural and modern day monsters. On the one hand he loved reading about Area 57, Bigfoot, Loch Ness and the like. He would share facts about all of these things over dinner. On the other hand, these stories terrified him and gave him nightmares. As he poured over the books about these creatures he would cover the photos with his hand because they would scare him. On more than one occasion he asked me to tape a piece of paper over a picture that was particularly scary.
When he was about 6 years old, there was a commercial on TV about a Time-Life book about aliens. The commercial showed pictures of green, big eyed aliens around a flying saucer while it described the book. The commercial scared Zach so much that whenever it came on, he would hide behind the couch until it was over — and then, he would ask me to buy the book for him. We were in a dilemma - Did we let him pursue his passion at the cost of his sanity? This struggle between his excitement and his fear of monsters of all kinds and our struggle to balance the two went on for years.
When Zach was about 10 years old and his brothers were 8, 6 and 4, we went on an RV trip to Humboldt County and the Giant Redwoods. We also had with us, our black lab, Zoey. Now if you know as much about Bigfoot as Zach knew, you would know that this is the place for the most frequent and famous sightings of Bigfoot also known as the Skunk Ape. At Zach’s insistence we stopped at several tourist trap type places to see plaster casts of Bigfoot footprints, Bigfoot hair found in the woods and first hand stories of sightings of Bigfoot. And as usual Zach was both mesmerized and terrified. He was ripe for a good scare.
After visiting these various museums we headed a little further north and at one point saw, on the side of the road a path into a redwood forest that was known for sightings of Bigfoot. Jon insisted that we stop as it looked like a beautiful hike for us to take. We had read about this trail and knew that eventually it reached a small pond where we could see lily pads and large frogs — perfect for four little boys. Jon took Zoey and I herded the boys out of the RV. The hike itself was right out of the travel books. Towering redwoods on either side of the trail, huge bright green ferns, and mist rising up off the ground. It was the perfect atmosphere for a Bigfoot sighting and Zach was getting progressively more afraid and equally more excited as we made our way deeper into the woods. Now, good parents would have had a little compassion for Zach’s fear but that day we weren’t good parents. We were those dysfunctional parents you read about in the newspapers who child protective services visits on a regular basis.
The boys were all getting tired despite the beautiful scenery so Jon said, “Zoey and I will run ahead and see if the pond is close.” And so they disappeared into the mist. The rest of us continued at a much slower pace. A minute or two later Zoey returned, her leash dangling and Jon nowhere in sight. Before we could decide what to do a great bellow cut through the air. Zach knew it was the Skunk Ape and he knew it had killed his father. The three younger boys grabbed my legs but Zach, Zach didn’t hesitate, he turned and high tailed it out of there screaming the whole way. I hear that when you get really afraid you get a shot of adrenaline that allows you to perform superhuman feats. I had heard of this before that fateful day but I had no idea that it would allow my oldest son to fly. One minute he was there and the next minute he was gone. When Jon came walking out of the mist laughing we all headed back to the RV only to find Zach still screaming and banging on the locked RV door trying to get in.
I wish I could say that cured Zach of his obsession with all things unexplained. But it didn’t. It only made him more interested although as he got older he could finally look at the photos in his books of the unexplained. He is 37 years old and still talks about the time the Skunk Ape almost got us all and how when he finally returns to Humboldt County it will be the Skunk Ape running the other way.
As Zach found, fear and excitement are very closely related. Fear is excitement without the breath. “The very same mechanisms that produce excitement also produce fear, and any fear can be transformed into excitement by breathing fully with it. On the other hand, excitement turns into fear quickly if you hold your breath.” (Gay Hendricks) After reading this I realized that this is why my mother always told me to scream when I was on a scary ride. It worked. I always felt better screaming.
I have spent many years of my life being equally terrified and mesmerized. Wanting to know more and wanting to shut my eyes to it all. Wanting to have the challenging and scary experiences but terrified of taking that step toward those experiences. Peeking under the flap at the larger world in interest and then being terrified of what I see. And especially in the past year I have been holding my breath. It’s time now to start breathing again.