Free Unsolicited (and possibly unwanted) Parenting Advice
My mother and I did not always agree on my parenting style (or for that matter my housekeeping skills). I was told that the way I was parenting our four sons was often a topic of conversation with Mom and Dad. Interestingly although my Mom often wondered out loud why I did this or did that my Dad would defend my choices saying that although he didn’t always agree with my actions I always had a good reason for the decisions I made as a parent. I was glad someone was willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. Like most parents I had my own moments of doubt and indecision but as the years went by I learned to trust my gut and go with what felt right to me when everyone else, including the “experts”, disagreed.
Questioning yourself as a mother seems to go with the territory. We all want to be at least a little better than our own Mom’s and of course have a fantasy of what our mothering will be like. We won’t yell at our kids, we will be patient all the time, we won’t use the TV (or currently iPads) as babysitters, our kids will be polite and kind and won’t embarrass us, we will be strict about bedtime and rules and our kids will be cooperative and happy. But of course most of this does not come true. But along the way we learn. We learn the most important lessons of parenting and we learn how to forgive ourselves for the things we do not accomplish.
I always said the first kid is like the first pancake. You have to see how it turns out and then make changes so the second one turns out better. Not sure what parents of only children do but I had four chances to get it right and although I was far from the perfect mother I was a much better mother with my fourth than I was with my first.
And so, I am offering this unsolicited advice for all you parents out there. This is what I learned from raising my four boys:
Trust your gut. Parent by heart, not by books. Never feel obligated to defend your parenting style to anyone.
When your child makes a mistake, help him fix it, then conveniently forget that he made the mistake in the first place. There is no reason to make them feel bad before we make them feel good.
Children will most talk about their problems, fears and concerns when they are not looking you in the eye like when they are lying in bed with the lights out or when you are driving with them. Don’t buy a dishwasher. Another great time to talk about their day is while doing the dishes.
Rats, although admittedly ugly, make the best pets. They are social, don’t nip, return if they run away, can be trained, are low maintenance and usually don’t live much longer than 2 years.
Whenever you enter a toy store, turn to your child and tell her “this is a looking day” or “this is a buying day” and STICK TO IT. It will save you a lot of arguments in the future.
Always put your children before the housework. The dust can wait but your children can’t. But, if your child wants to help you with housework, let him no matter how long it takes,
Let your child have a few special toys that they do not have to share. It gives them a sense of self and ownership.
Relish the chubby hands, wet kisses, dimpled elbows, clinging arms. You will have them for such a short time.
Sleep deprivation is challenging and prepares you for the REAL challenges in the subsequent years.
Dependence is a necessary road to independence.
A habit not easily broken is a need. Every stage passes once it has been resolved in the child’s mind which will probably be long after you think it should be resolved.
Learn to be silly.
Breastfeeding is not just another kind of milk. It is a whole style of parenting that keeps you close to your baby.
Share sleep with your child. Let your children share sleep with each other.
Little boys like gross things. It’s normal. When a little boy says “Hey Mom, look at this” and thrusts his little fist toward you, beware.
Play is a child’s work. Do not put an abrupt stop to it without warning just like you would not like to be interrupted when you are working.
Apologize to your child if you were wrong.
Children love to hear stories of when you were younger. It will entertain them for hours.
One of your biggest jobs as a parent is making memories for your child. Children thrive on tradition and rituals.
Spend part of every week with at least one other mother and her child.
Take your small baby everywhere but always with the knowledge and acceptance that you might have to leave.
When your child clings the most is when you will most want to push him away. Instead, embrace him, hold him close and don’t let go until he does. Eventually he will.
If won’t hurt anything or anyone to let a fearful child sleep with the lights on.
Each day balance indoor time with outdoor time. It will keep you and your child balanced.
At the park, start back to the car fifteen minutes before you really need to leave. Never be in a hurry to get anywhere. The more you rush your child, the longer it will take.
Fifteen minutes is a long time to a child.
Your child WILL sleep through the night, potty train, wean, give up her pacifier, conquer her separation anxiety and stranger anxiety in her own good time. Trust her and her timetable.
You can never give your child too many hugs but if he’s 9 or older, let him complain about it in front of his friends.
Keep your sense of humor. Parenting should be fun. When it becomes all work and no fun, something is not right, changes need to be made.
The more time you spend with your child, the more time you will want to spend with your child.
AND THE BIGGEST ONE OF THEM ALL:
Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing the best you can.