The Age Old Question of Old Age
I’m kind of fixated on older people right now. After having worked at a long term care facility, currently working at the Buck Institute for Research on Aging, doing medical foot care for our aging population who are trying to continue to live at home and becoming a senior citizen myself I find that my whole life is currently revolving around old people.
I have met all kinds of old people. I have met people who are 80 and show every one of their years and I have met people who are 80 and look and act twenty years younger. I have met people in their 90’s who are tired of living and just don’t understand why they are still here and people in their 90’s who still live on their own and make the most of every single minute and want to be here as long as possible.
When I was just a young un and my aunt was working as a nurse in geriatrics I once asked her “How do you work with all those old people?” (said distastefully I must admit) She replied, “They’re just like you and me - just older.” I never forgot that reply and although at the time I did not believe it for a minute I now understand. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who that old woman is looking back at me. The hair is gray and thinning, the midsection a bit too rotund, the crow’s feet a bit too deep. And yet I feel the same on the inside. Which is why it is always a shock when I look in the mirror. I’m not ashamed of the way I look, I’m just surprised and I know that to other people I look old. I still try on clothes that are way too young for me (and thankfully realize it when I try them on), I still think I can outrun my grandchildren and fail miserably, I still think I can eat whatever I want and not gain a pound, I still forget to take the senior discount.
I spend a lot more time on maintenance of this body of mine (with less favorable results). I go to more doctor’s appointments because instead of ignoring symptoms as I did when I was younger, I worry that they are a sign of some deadly disease that’s going to cut my life short. I’m lucky if I make it to 930 pm before I fall asleep at night and can’t drink alcohol without regretting it in the morning. Some of the foods I love don’t love me back and I spend at least two days a week wondering if I am getting Alzheimers. I have a lot of friends who have lost their husbands and I check the obituaries every day to see if I know anyone who has passed.
But, it’s not all bad. Unlike my younger self, I no longer blame myself for things I have no control over. I spend days doing what I want to do, not what I must do. I don’t sweat the small stuff, am less inclined to get angry or frustrated and have better strategies to deal with hardship or difficult circumstances. I am less likely to spend time with people, activities or pursuits that aren’t worthwhile and am happier because of that. Through my grandchildren I get to relive the joy of childhood without the responsibility and have a whole new understanding of gratitude. My nursing students respect my experience and I have a lot of stories to share with them. I am still working because I want to work, not because I have to work. And unlike my younger self I can quit tomorrow if I so choose.
I remember back when I was in my teens and a friend of mine had a sister who was 32 which seemed so ancient to me. Then when I was in my twenties, forty seemed old. But when I turned 45 I thought how young I still was. My children were almost out of the house and I had another 20 years to concentrate on my career before I got really old. You know, like 65. Now here I am at 67 and can’t believe that I have another 20 years before I’m really really old. Do 90 year olds think that old isn’t until 100?? At what point will I feel as old on the inside as I feel and look on the outside?
George Eliot said, “It’s never too late to become what you might have been.” And I’m taking that to heart. I believe everyone should change their occupation at least twice in a lifetime. So far I have been a waitress, a legal stenographer, a Mom, a nurse, a teacher. Now I’m trying out writing, video editing, and photography. I often sit and wonder what else I was supposed to do and will I have time to do it. This retirement thing is a quandary. Sometimes I feel like I should make the most of my time and do all of the things I have longed all my life to do and make long to do lists that I am constantly working at and at other times I feel like I should just be lazy - take a day at a time, don’t look at my to do list, make no plans, see what unfolds.
I know that there is something in between those two, I just haven’t figured it out yet.
It’s hard not to think of yourself as old when everyone and everything around you is telling you that you are. I don’t know who first said “Age is just a number”. Obviously said by someone younger than 65 because it’s hard to think of it as just a number when your body is telling you otherwise when your whole life is changing, the way you spend your days, your relationships, your abilities. You can keep being young at heart but the reality is that time is speeding by ever faster every year. Your memory is going, your body is changing, you are being treated differently by society - these are not things you can just ignore.
Age is not all in the mind, it’s in every joint that aches when I get up, every time my heart races for no reason, every food I can’t eat because my digestive system is changing. It’s in my numb hands in the morning and my inability to stay up late at night. And it’s in my failing memory which I can only laugh at because otherwise I would cry. It’s a very real thing that is happening to all of us and there is a lot to fear. But mostly we all just stay in denial because otherwise we would just curl up in fear. Denial is hard work. I had to come out of it to write this essay.
I’m afraid of getting old. I’m afraid that my children will eventually have to worry about me or support me. I’m afraid my husband might someday have to be my caregiver or I, his. I’m afraid of getting a debilitating disease that keeps me from being active. I’m afraid of smelling like an old person or growing a mustache because I can no longer see the hairs I should be tweezing. I’m afraid of dying before I am ready or living when I am ready to die. I am afraid of dying not knowing who my husband and children are.
Obviously these are all things I can’t control and if I have learned nothing else in my lifetime it is to let go of the things you can’t control. Thus the denial.
Since I am hanging out with a lot of “old people” I watch and listen and enjoy them tremendously. I try to learn from them. The ones that seem the happiest are the ones who do everything they can to preserve their health, they laugh often, long and loud, they surround themselves with cheerful people and keep the grouches at arms length. They keep learning and never let their mind be idle and enjoy the simple things. They grieve when they need to, endure and then they move on because life is for the living and loss is part of life. And most of all they surround themselves with the things they love - family, pets, music, art, hobbies, nature. These are the things I take away from these people and I thank them for taking this journey before me so that I might learn how it’s done.