Children Learn What They Live Part 2

Raising children, I felt every emotion more intensely than I have ever felt before.  The joys made me feel higher than the highest high and the challenging times brought me down to the most intense lows.  My frustrations brought me to a full understanding of why people lash out and hit their children although I would probably never admit to anyone how close I came to it myself.  

One day when Jake was around 2 and Zach was 4 something happened that tipped the scale and tipped me into madness.  It was so important that I can’t even remember what it was.  Zach did something that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I was livid!  I started screaming like I have never screamed at the boys before.  In my blinding anger I didn’t see them both leave the room.  Instead I stalked up to the kitchen and picked up a chair and threw it across the room.  I leaned over and wiped everything that was on the kitchen table down to the floor with a fury that I have never in my life before felt.  At some point in my uncontrollable rage I realized that Jake and Zach were no longer in the room.  I slowly panned the room and growled “Where are you?”  I scanned the area looking for them like Gollum looking for the ring.  “Where are you?” I growled again under my breath.  My anger was like lava boiling just below the surface.  “Where are you?”  I headed back to the bedrooms and searched throwing doors open and looking under beds until I opened one of the closets to find the two of them wrapped in each others’ arms trembling with fright.  I looked at them “Aha!  What are you doing in here?  Get out here and face me like a man!!”  As they stepped out with so much fear in their eyes I came out of my anger and realized I had totally lost it.  What was I doing telling a 4 year old to face me like a man?!!  I stopped midstep.  They waited in horror for what they thought was coming and I grabbed them in my arms and hugged them.  I am so sorry!!  Oh!  I am so sorry.  Their bodies relaxed into me with relief as we all embraced each other.  I was so ashamed of myself I did not even tell your Pop that story for a very long time. 

Just like no one can explain to you the joys of parenting, nor can they possibly explain the trials.  My heart would ache while I watched you try to accomplish something for the first time and I would have to stop myself from helping you even as you struggled.   The responsibilities overwhelmed me as you all grew and needed clothes, food, shelter and health insurance and I ached to provide you with music lessons, family vacations, college tuition and other luxuries.  And most importantly as I tried to keep you safe.  Because after all, most children need, more than anything else, to feel safe and loved.   Besides making you feel safe and loved I wanted to raise you in a way that made you an asset to society.  I knew that no matter how successful you were financially it was more important to me that you were good men.  

I learned that Parenting was trusting my instincts, listening politely to all the advice I received and doing what I felt in my gut was right even if it was contrary to everything I heard and read because no one knew you like I did.  It was believing in your innate ability to grow and become independent and letting you go at your pace, not mine.  It was knowing that bad habits are easily broken, but unmet needs would affect you for life.  It is always remembering that as parents we are the most important people in your lives and would have a tremendous effect on you. I knew you were watching me as I navigated the world and that much of your behavior in the future would stem from how I presented myself as a role model.  And I needed to consider what kind of role model I was.

Shortly after we moved into our new house I headed into downtown San Rafael with you boys in tow to run some errands.  Feeling financially devastated with all of the expenses of the house I was stressed and scared.  As I parallel parked our mini van I heard a loud and quite unpleasant ripping sound.  I quickly jumped out of the car and to my horror saw that I had torn off the trim on a beautiful shiny foreign sports car.  I burst into tears.  I knew we could not afford to fix it nor could we afford for our car insurance to go up if we had them fix it.  I quickly pulled myself together and looked around to see if anyone had witnessed the accident.  Not a soul.  For one split second I considered getting back into the car and leaving to park somewhere else.  The driver would never know who had done it and we wouldn’t have to figure out where to get the money to fix it.  And then I looked into the car and saw three little faces looking at me.  You would know.  I would teach my little boys not to take responsibility for their mistakes.  So I took the only piece of paper I had which was a page torn out of my datebook and I wrote a note to the driver.  I told him I had hit his car, we would pay for the damage and left my phone number.  My day had just gotten much worse and my stress increased 10 fold.   I went home and told Pop what happened and in true Pop mode he said, “We’ll figure it out.”  For three days I waited for that phone call.  I couldn’t even imagine what it would cost to fix that car and dreaded hearing the news every time the phone rang.  Finally, just as I thought maybe I lucked out and he wasn’t going to call the phone rang and when I answered it was the driver of the car asking for me.  I apologized profusely and assured him that we would find a way to pay for the repair.  And this is what he said to me, “Ya know, I have had that car for a long time and I have had it scratched and dented several times while it was parked.  And you are the first person to ever leave me a note owning up to hitting it.  You sound like a young lady and I hear children in the background.”  “Yes,” I said "we have three boys and just moved into our first house.”  “Well”, he said “they are lucky to have such a good role model in their lives and I know they will grow up to be fine boys.  And because you left that note, I am going to pay for the repairs myself.  You have a good day.”  And with that he hung up and I never heard from him again.  I wish I could call that man today and tell him how much his phone call meant to me because he reminded me that I had done the right thing by leaving that note and that I needed to continue to do the right thing no matter how stressed I was because my boys were watching. 

By default, parenting made me a better person.