The Other Side of Fear - part 1

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” 

—Anais Nin—

Julie and I are wearing our matching “CPO” coats feeling like we are the coolest 8th graders around.  Julie gives me a peek at a pack of cigarettes in her pocket.  We lock eyes and smile conspiratorially.  “Mom, I’m going our with Julie.  We’ll be home around 9.” 

“Ok, but be careful.”  

It’s the dead, gray days of January.  I grab my down jacket, hat, gloves, scarf and extra pairs of socks.   “Mom, Jim’s here to pick me up.  We’ll be at Powderhorn Mountain.  I left the number on the counter.” 

“Ok, have fun.  Be careful.” 

Baseball gloves, check.   Cash, check.   Hats, check.  My brother, Dave and I jump in the car.  We are headed to Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs vs. the New York Mets.  My Mom walks out with us. 

“Is there enough gas in the car? Here’s a little more cash.  Have a good time.  Be careful.”  

He walks through the door in his rented powder blue tuxedo.  Grinning he hands me a pink rose corsage.  My parents take the required pictures and we are on our way to Junior Prom.  My Mom waves from the door

“No curfew tonight since it’s prom.  But be careful.”  

While I was growing up, and especially during my teenage years, every time I went out the door my mother would say “Be careful”.  I understand her worries, I’ve been the mother of teenagers.  She jokingly told us that deep down she had this superstition that as long as she said “Be careful” every time we left the house, we would be safe.  This was how she dealt with the scary, uncertainty that your children may, just could, get into really big trouble. 

I was always a fearful child, teen and early adult.  Every time I did anything that was even remotely pushing the envelope I would hear in my head my Mom saying  “Be careful” which would lead me to back away from the challenge. This attitude of “being careful” also spilled into their lessons to me about finances.  My parents were from the Depression Era and understandably security and safety were sacred to them.  And this came through in their expectations of us – we would graduate from High School, go to College, get a degree, find a good paying job and move out of the house.  That was the plan for as long as I can remember.  I never really thought about other options because in my mind, there were no other options.  Having enough money was extremely important.  Not only enough, but a cushion also.  “Save half and spend half” was my father’s mantra. 

I’m glad my parents taught me these values and gave me this foundation.  The other side of these teachings, however, were the other messages I internalized:  Be a good girl, don’t take risks, hold back, don’t push the envelope, there is a reason you fear something, avoid anything that makes you feel insecure or uncomfortable, above all else, BE CAREFUL.