I Wasn’t Always This Strong - part 1

“It is worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty.”   —Dalai Lama—

I’m sitting in my office.  The emergency alarm next to my desk goes off.  I jump to my feet and head to the back and as soon as I get into the Recovery Room I know it is a real emergency.  Darrell is pushing the crash cart into the procedure room and everyone looks to me for guidance.  I bark orders to the nurses in the recovery area and head to the procedure room.  It is not a good site.  I stand for a moment to take in the entire picture.  Kevin is doing chest compressions on the patient and Dr. Sanders is inserting an LMA - a tube in the patients throat so he can give more direct respirations into the patient’s lungs.  Rachel is at the head of the bed giving medications through the IV - a line in the patient’s arm.  Linda and Kristi are in the corner charting and taking notes, keeping track of the drugs we are giving the patient.  Kevin tires and Dr. Long steps in to give compressions.  911 has been called.  Rachel gives a quick professional report to me so I can get caught up on what happened.  I survey the scene and realize no one has gotten the AED (defibrillator) out.  I take it in my hands and apply the pads.  It tells me to shock the patient.  “Shock needed, step away from the patient.”  We’ve all practiced this a million times when every two years we get our ACLS certification.  No one even hesitates.  For an instant everything stops, there is total silence and everyone steps back.  I shock the patient and immediately everyone falls back into their place in this unfolding horror.  Time slows.  Finally, when it’s over and the patient has been transferred to the nearest hospital my hands begin to shake.  I escape to my office for a brief respite and then I cry.  I cry with sadness, stress and relief.  But always alone and never until after the emergency is over.  It wasn’t always like that.  It took me years to get to the point where I could turn off my emotions long enough to get through an emergency.