YOUR VIBE ATTRACTS YOUR TRIBE
“Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you’ve met and you’re like ‘yup I like this one’ and you just do stuff with them.”
Julie, my best friend in 7th grade, was everything that I was not.
She was adventurous and cocky and fun and willing to take chances. I, on the other hand was shy and quiet and the good girl who never did anything wrong. Julie would sit in the back of the bus with the cool kids and pretend she belonged. I sat with her totally uncomfortable and expecting at any minute that someone would laugh at me and shame me into moving. Yet, no one ever did.
Back then CPO jackets were all the rage and Julie and I both owned one. They were quite simply heavily lined flannel shirts but we knew we were cool in them. We would go out at night and wander the neighborhood and Julie would pull a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. I have no idea where she got them and didn’t ask. We would smoke our cigarettes and perfect our blasé “yes we do this all the time” smoking look and talk about boys and school and parents and give each other the comfort of friendship that 7th grade girls need. Julie was the one who made me a little bit more cool, a little bit braver and a little bit naughty and I loved her for it. And so I was heartbroken when her family moved out of the area right before the start of high school.
*****************************
Peggy, was a casual friend in High School. We hung around in the same group and I always felt she was more like me than any of the other girls in our “gang”. I was very shy and I always felt that she was much more confident in herself. We both really enjoyed writing and once we both left for college we started to write each other long compelling letters. They went on for pages. Because of these letters I felt that we got to know each other in a most intimate way. I loved when I found one of her letters in my mailbox. I would immediately find a comfortable spot and sit and slowly work through it, sometimes two or three times before I would put it away. She had a remarkable way with words and her thoughts and feelings that came across spoke to my very soul.
When we were both home from college on weekends or holidays, we would get together and talk for hours. She asked me to stand up for her at her wedding. It was a beautiful thing, this friendship. I moved to California and she moved to Minneapolis and the letters continued for awhile. But then, they came less often, we saw less of each other because neither of us went home much anymore and pretty soon the letters ended altogether. I wasn’t a bit surprised when I attended my 40th High School Reunion and she, her husband and I sat until the wee hours of the morning talking. It felt so familiar and so comfortable and I knew she was one of those friends that I could always reconnect with when the opportunity arose.
*****************************
I met Taylor at a Chippendales Strip Club. We had been invited there by a mutual friend who was having a birthday party. I quickly lost interest and headed to a back wall to sit down. Taylor sat there also looking equally bored. I guess neither of us were drunk enough to appreciate what was happening on stage. We started talking and that was the beginning of one of my first meaningful friendships in California. Taylor had a good friend, Heidi. They were both lawyers and both Jewish. The Jewish part is only important because having never celebrated Christmas in their own childhood homes they loved helping us decorate our Christmas tree. Every year they would each bring a very special ornament to add to our collection and spend a good amount of time finding the perfect spot to put it. Pop and I spent many evenings over dinner laughing with these two beautiful, strong women. It was Heidi who taught me about appreciating people for who they were. We were at a party and Pop was telling one of his long stories that only Pop can tell. Going off into tangents, giving more details than necessary but nevertheless having everyone’s rapt attention. I turned to Heidi and said “He just can’t tell a story quickly. Doesn’t this drive you crazy?” Laughing she replied “Oh no, that’s just Jon.” And she laughed some more. And she was right. It was an integral part of Pop’s personality and from then on it didn’t bother me. I will always appreciate Heidi for being so insightful and teaching me to accept people for exactly who they are.
Taylor and Heidi remained in our lives for as long as we lived in southern California. We made an interesting foursome at parties and spent many evenings at each others’ homes. I’m not sure that I have ever spent as many evenings laughing as long and as hard as I did with these two beautiful women and I greatly missed their friendship when we moved. I am still in touch with Heidi and see her on occasion and we laugh like we did 40 years before. Taylor died of leukemia in her late fifties and I still grieve that loss.
*****************************
Colleen is still one of my closest friends. We’ve been friends for so long we can just look at each other across a room and start laughing. We were on the same “study “ floor Freshman and Sophomore years at NIU and apartment roommates Junior and Senior years. We spent our college days looking for trouble. After college I moved to California and although we didn’t lose touch completely we did not see each other for many years. I got married and had you boys and my life got very busy. Colleen started her own business and has a very successful and rewarding life. She knows me like none of my friends know me. Colleen is kind and caring and a good listener. She’s like a therapist I can drink with. She knows all of my faults but she still loves me and does not judge me or my decisions. We can talk for hours. Fortunately for both of us we have been able to get together more often over the past 10 years.
Colleen is one of a group of friends that all met at Northern Illinois University in 1975. There were nine of us on that floor that became fast friends. Colleen, Krissie, Chris, Joan, Kaye, Judy, Beth, Ann and myself. This particular group of friends nicknamed me “Sappy” which at the time was quite accurate although I am happy to say I have grown out of that nickname. We all come from very different backgrounds and have a wide variety of personalities and interests. If you met us separately if would seem implausible that we would be such good friends. And yet every few years when we get together for a reunion we mesh. It’s our differences that make the time together so much fun. We tease each other mercilessly, laugh until our ribs ache, reminisce about our college days - stories that have been told over and over. We celebrate our growth as women and lament our lost youth. When one of us is going through a difficult time, an illness, the death of a spouse, the loss of a parent, we are all there for them. When we get together it is as if we were never apart. We have attended each others’ weddings and gotten to know each others’ families but most of all we love each other even with all of our blemishes. We overlook the things that drive us crazy about the others and appreciate our differences. We have good discussions and because of our differences colorful disagreements. But mostly we laugh.
I have had many friendships over the years and I often wonder what it is about this particular group of friends that is so different? Why do we have this connection that I do not have with other friends? Did we know each other in another life? Do we have some biological attraction similar to pheromones? Did we just meet at the right time in the right place? What I do know is that I value these friendships as much as I value my relationship with my family and I know they feel the same.
*****************************
Most friendships have an expiration date. As I moved through different stages of my life a friendship would develop with someone who was moving through the same stage. Then one of us moves on, to a different stage, to a different lifestyle, to a different location, different interests and the friendship fades away. No big fanfare, nothing is said, it just ends. I used to feel hurt and betrayed when this happened. I loved these people and couldn’t understand why they didn’t stay in touch, why they were no longer in my life. I would grieve every lost friendship. I finally accepted that this is life and people move in and out of our lives but remain in our hearts changing us in ways we may not even notice.
There are a few friends who remain constant -- the ones who move in and out of my life but are somehow always present. They are few and far between. These are by far the most rewarding friendships. Very often they have been a High School or College friend with whom a most tumultuous time is shared. These are the cherished friends. Ten years can go by with very little or no contact. And then one day for some reason the stars align and we see each other again. And it feels like we were never away from each other. We pick up right where we left off the last time we saw each other whether it was two years ago or ten years ago. It always feels the same and it always feels good. It’s a joy and a comfort and the first time it happened I knew, that no matter what, no matter where our lives took us, I could call that person tomorrow and it would happen all over again. These are the friendships that last forever – the friends who see me and accept me for exactly who I am. These are the friends who truly enrich my life and who I know would be there for me no matter what happens. Others will come and go and will also enrich my life and I give thanks for the time I have with them and appreciate what we give each other during that time. For every person I meet, I meet for a reason and although that reason is not always immediately evident, I would be a different person having not met them.