Life is Hard and Then You Die

I hated high school.  It was hard.  I was painfully shy and had no idea how to be a young woman.  Everyone was prettier and more popular and smarter.  I was invisible.  My moods were all over the place.  I was terrible at Math and they kept putting me in Honors classes where I didn’t feel like I belonged.  I wanted a boyfriend so bad it hurt.  I would cry myself to sleep at night at my inadequacies.  I figured it would all get easier once I went to college.  

College was equally hard.  My boyfriend and I were constantly on again off again.  My nursing classes terrified me and I was still very shy.  I didn’t feel like I belonged, always on the outside.  My finances were a constant problem as I never had enough money.  It was scary to live on the financial edge like that.  I figured once I got out of college and was making money it would be much easier. 

I got out of college and moved into my own apartment in Chicago and got a well paying job but it didn’t get easier as I had expected.  I was still pining for a long term relationship, my job was stressful and exhausting, my parents were going through some hard times in their marriage, I was tired of fighting with the Chicago cold.  I figured if I just got another job and moved somewhere warm things would be much easier. 

So I moved to California, I fell in love and I found a job I enjoyed.  It was hard starting over, finding new friends.  I missed my family and I was having a hard time getting used to the California culture, the traffic and the high cost of living.  We got married.  We had two kids and the work/family juggling began.  Parenting was harder than I expected and exhausting and we didn’t want to raise our kids in L.A.  We thought if we just moved to the East Coast things would be easier.  So we did, we moved the family to Annapolis, Maryland. 

But things didn’t get easier.  I was back to establishing new friendships.  My husband hated his job, our finances were a wreck, parenting was still exhausting, I kept searching for a job that worked with taking care of the kids.  If only Jon could find a job he loved that paid well.   And he did - Industrial Light and Magic.  It meant another cross country move but we knew that once we got settled again in California it would be so much easier.  

We moved back to California, this time San Francisco but it didn’t get easier.  Jon was working 6-7 days a week and I felt like I was a single parent.  Our finances were in much better shape but Jon’s Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers.  We had to deal with the deterioration of her health.  We had another baby.  My parents had moved out of my childhood home to San Diego, one of my sisters was dealing with infertility and the other sister was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome.  It was a lot to deal with.  Each year I figured it would get easier.  But it didn’t.  

Another baby, more financial woes, Jon still working long hours, more illness and death in the extended family.  One of the boys requiring surgery. I thought once they were all in school it would get easier.  But it didn’t.  

And then it did.  

Somewhere along the way my life finally got easier.  

Was it once I finally got out of the baby phase and the kids were all in school and more independent?  No, because the school age days were hard too.  The juggling of everyone’s homework, sports and school events, Jon still working long hours, our finances still not stable. A son was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. And many trips to the ER for another son with migraines. Mom getting progressively worse.  My brother and sister-in-law lost a baby.  Those were hard times.

Maybe it was when the boys were headed to High School, maybe that was when it got easier?  No, that was hard as they tried to become young men - the teenage angst, the moods, the car accidents. 

I think it must have been once the boys were all on their way to college and headed into their adult futures.  Oh but the college bills and the indecisiveness and the searching.  The constant drama about what they wanted to do with their lives.  And that was when my brother-in-law became so ill and Jon’s Mom died.  Those were not easy years.  

It must have been once the boys moved out and Jon and I got reacquainted and we had an empty nest.  But the house felt so empty and I had no idea what to do with the rest of my life.  And one of the boys was diagnosed with a chronic disease.

It must have been when our finances stabilized and Jon wasn’t working such long hours.  But then those were the years that my parents died and then some of our friends passed away and family became ill.  Those were the years when our first granddaughter was born premature and spent three months in the hospital. And I was so frustrated with my job.

Then it occurred to me.  Life never got easier. 

I just got better at hard.  

I realized that when there was a tragedy in my extended family, we were all there for each other, we gathered around, we did what we needed to do and we got through it together.  I acknowledged that when Jon was working long hours I could handle the household, the kids, the dog and I just needed to prioritize.  I learned how to juggle.  I understood that the kids would grow up and make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes just like I did.  I concluded that nothing is forever so I would just put my head down and carry on.  I worked at forgiveness, and compassion and kindness and giving instead of taking and things became less hard.  I understood that life is short and people sometimes get ill and die and when they do I grieve, I take them into my heart and keep them there.  I quit worrying about money and lived within my means and accepted that I would not always have everything I wanted but appreciated that we have always had everything we needed.  I recognized that whenever I was going through hell I should just keep on going.  

No, life never got easier.

I just got better at hard.