SECOND THOUGHTS
When I was in my mid 20’s I had just started becoming more adventurous. I heard about friends of mine who took a year off after High School and traveled around Europe. But at the time that’s not who I was. I only saw the danger, the expense, the irresponsibility - for weren’t we supposed to get a job right out of school and support ourselves? I was still the quiet, shy, immature young woman who did what her parents expected her to do - graduate High School, go to College, get a job, support yourself, get married, have children. That was good for me. It jived with what I wanted to do at the time. And so I did. It didn’t occur to me to travel abroad. But now, I look back and I think “Wow, I should have done it. I should have taken what little money I had and jumped on a plane with a friend and traveled around Europe for a year.” And I regret not doing that, not having that in my past.
Looking back I know that decision was right for me at that time because of who I was. Back then I think I would have been too immature and too fearful to have a positive experience. By the same token maybe if I had taken that opportunity I would have grown up faster and become less fearful earlier in my life. But again I wasn’t that person back then. I’m that person now. And now, even though I could jump on a plane and travel around Europe for a year I have too many things keeping me close to home - the kids, the grandkids, my spouse. Plus, I love and need my creature comforts too much to be able to travel in the way that I imagine - spontaneously, minimally. I remember sitting in the Italy train station a few years back and a group of about 15 teenagers, young men and women, with backpacks came in dropped their packs and sat down on the floor. As I watched they were passing something around and as I looked closer I realized it was a stick of deodorant. They would each give their pits a swipe and then pass it onto the next. I laughed out loud and thought, yeah, 30 years ago I could have done that.
I have changed a lot over my 65 years. I have a much higher appreciation for nature, for volunteer work and the way they both soothe my soul. I appreciate how good I feel when I exercise and eat well. I love people and spending time with people of all ages - the more diverse the better. I am always looking for new projects that help me learn about new fields. Instead of being afraid of pushing myself, I thrive on it and am always looking for ways to get out of my comfort zone - new adventures. My new motto is “When something goes wrong the adventure begins.” I feel like I am being my true self for the first time in my life. I know wisdom takes experience and the only way to get experience is to live life but oh how I wish I had this wisdom when I was younger. I wish I had known myself better sooner. I wish I had taken school more seriously, was better read and more articulate. I wish I had been less fearful. I wish I had taken the time to know a more diverse group of people. I wish I had challenged myself both mentally and physically. I wish I had known that I really could push the envelope and not die.
When Drew was just five he was attending swimming lessons and one morning his instructor jumped off the diving board with him into 12 feet of water. He then swam to the edge, his face flush with excitement and he ran up to me breathless and said “Mom I looked into the water and it went down and down and down. So I just kept saying to myself “I’m not gonna die, I’m not gonna die, I’m not gonna die” and I jumped in!”
I wish I had jumped in more often.