My Trusty Dog and I are Taking a Trip
My sister, Beth and I took a camping trip to Tennessee shortly after college. We were setting up the tent which had a large loop at the top of the frame. A hook on the top of the tent was supposed to slide onto the loop. As we reached to hook it on, the loop broke and the tent fell. I turned to Beth and said, “It’s ok, all we need is a bungee cord.” We went to the local hardware store, bought a bungee cord and were back in business. She was so impressed. She said “You just knew exactly what we needed.” She was right. I did. I have always been fiercely independent and was proud of the fact that I could get out of any pickle presented to me.
My Mom and I took the boys camping without my husband, Jon, many times and were always able to take care of any problems that came up. On one such trip my Mom and I took the kids canoeing down the Russian River. Getting the canoes off the top of the car was easy enough but through the entire trip Mom kept worrying about how we would get the canoes back on the top of the car. I told her again and again not to worry, we would figure it out. In reality I had no idea how we would do it as neither she nor I were particularly strong or tall but I figured we would cross that bridge when we came to it. And of course we did. After getting that canoe on top of the car we danced around pumping our arms and singing “I am woman, hear me roar.”
When Zach was 4, Jake was 2 and Sam was 8 weeks old I put them all into my little Toyota Corolla and drove from San Francisco to San Diego by myself - an 8-10 hour drive. On the way home right at dusk we got a flat tire out in the middle of nowhere. As I looked at the flat and considered my options a pick up truck drove up. A man jumped out and offered to change the tire for me. Now it isn’t that I couldn’t change the tire, my Dad had taught me how, but it was the fact that I had a 4 year old, a 2 year old and an 8 week old demanding to be breastfed that slowed me down. Now my husband, Jon and I both shudder to think of any number of things that could have happened on that long trip with three very small children. But at the time it never occurred to me NOT to go. I had no doubt I could handle anything that came up.
As a nurse this confidence in my abilities has been endlessly reinforced. I know that in medical emergencies I can remain calm and think through my options quickly and make necessary judgement calls in the heat of the moment. So, between my job and motherhood I have been taking care of people and getting out of tough situations my whole adult life. But I have noticed lately that for some reason that does not translate to me taking care of things when I am taking care of only myself.
Since the boys left home I am almost always with Jon when something that needs quick thinking and a fix happens. He is one of those people who instantly sees what is needed and takes care of it. He’s an Eagle Scout, what can I say? Even when I do try to take care of a problem myself he seems to always come up with a better idea. I have come to depend on him. In doing so I have realized that I have relinquished my own independence. I don’t even try to fix problems anymore because I know he will have a better way. And now I feel anxious about getting that independence back. I’m afraid that after all of these years of depending on Jon I have lost my ability to work through a problem and fix it myself.
So I have come up with a plan. I am going to travel across the country by myself in a camper van. I think maybe experience Route 66. In my fantasy I am sitting in the driver’s seat with my trusty dog sitting shotgun both of us watching the road, singing to the radio across amber waves of grain, purple mountain majesties and fruited plains. We stop in small towns for a cup of coffee and a pastry, chatting it up with the locals and then heading out once again. In the evenings my dog and I settle into our campsite, have a warm meal and sit by the fire. We turn in early so we can once again hit the road with the first morning light. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? An exercise in independence.
Then reality sets in and I start to get anxious. What if I get a flat tire out in the middle of one of those fruited plains 100 miles from nowhere? What if the engine blows or the door gets jammed or the dog gets sick? What if some big stranger comes knocking at my camper door late at night or becomes an unwelcome guest around my fire? What if I lose my keys or my wallet or get hopelessly lost where there is no cell signal? Can I say with total faith that I could take care of all of these things by myself? I used to be able to.
Why the doubt now?
Perhaps I am just out of practice. The boys have been gone and not needed me for a long time and with Jon around to fix things, who needs independence? And that’s why this trip in a camper van with my trusty dog is so important to me. I think, by going away for a few weeks at a time and having to depend only on myself, although scary on one level will build my confidence back. I guess I just want to prove I can still do it.
Does anyone have a trusty dog I could borrow?