THE BAD MOTHER
One of the things I wish I had done as a mother was actually write down all of the things I wanted my boys to know how to do before they left the house. I would have included iron a shirt, make three different dinners, lead a girl around a dance floor, address a snail mail letter, wrap a present, and a multitude of other things but quite frankly raising four boys I was lucky we all just survived. What I did manage to teach them was to always be honest, always fight with your words first and then if you must your fists, be kind because everyone is fighting their own battle, love your mother, keep your fly up and make decisions with the head on your shoulders not the one between your legs.
One day I was at the park with my four boys. The three older ones were 7, 9 and 11. They were playing quietly when two boys started bullying them. I’m guessing they were 9 or 10 years old. They were throwing berries from a tree at them. I watched to see what my boys would do. The first son, Zach, who is “Mr. Avoid Conflict at All Costs” simply walked away. The second son, Jake, who is “Mr. Mellow, Let’s all just be friends” asked them nicely to quit throwing berries at them. The bullies laughed and continued throwing the berries. So Jake then left. Son number three, Sam, “Mr. It’s My Way or the Highway” also asked them nicely to stop throwing the berries. They continued. Now my mother hackles were up but I held back to see what would happen. Sam turned to them again and said in a STRONGER voice, “I asked you to stop throwing the berries.” They laughed and now it had become quite the game as they were getting the reaction they had hoped for. I then watched as Sam stormed up to one of the boys, pushed him against the fence, got right in his face and said “I TOLD you to quit throwing the berries.” When he let go of him both boys ran away and Sam went back to what he was doing. I felt pride for Sam. But then I immediately wondered if I should be feeling pride. My son just had a physical confrontation and threatened a boy. Is it pride I should be feeling? Was I a bad mother to feel pride for my son standing up to bullies in such a physical way? Was that ok or should he have just walked away from them like the other boys did? And if I was proud of what he did does that mean that the other boys were wrong to just walk away. Should I have encouraged them to stay and stand up for themselves? Such a quandary - one of many over the years.
One summer we drove the family down to San Diego to see my parents. The boys were all in their teens which meant too many teenage bodies and male energy in one car so we headed down in two, the boys in one and Jon and I with our much needed peace and quiet in the other. Once there we settled into a hotel as I knew my parents may not be able to handle that much testosterone in their small home. Being teenage boys with their nonstop eating habits I was happy to see that the hotel offered free breakfast from 6-9:30 am. Free food was always appreciated during those teenage years. After checking in we went over to my parents’ home and spent the afternoon swimming in their pool, having a picnic at the local park and watching a movie in the evening. All in all a pleasant day. That evening as the boys left to go back to the hotel I admonished them that there would be no breakfast served at Grandma’s house so be certain to get up early enough to have the free breakfast at the hotel. Nine o’clock being the crack of dawn to teenage boys I knew this would be a challenge. They nodded their heads and gave me a collective grunt and headed out the door. The next morning Jon and I got up early and headed to the free breakfast before joining my parents at their house. A cup of coffee, a bagel and cream cheese and we were good. The boys got to the house around 1030. I asked them if they had gotten up in time for the breakfast at our hotel. One of them chuckled and spoke up “No, it was too late but that’s ok coz the hotel next door had free breakfast until 10:00 so we went over there.” Now my first thought was “What?! You had breakfast at a hotel we didn’t even stay at?” But my next thought was “Well, that was very clever.” And as I stood there deciding which avenue to take the moment passed and I missed my opportunity to say either. Now lest you think me a totally unethical person I knew the first response was the right one but if I’m going to be honest I must admit to you that I was a little proud of the fact that they figured out an alternative way to get their breakfast.
When Jake was in his early twenties he went to Universal City Walk to apply for a job at Buca di Beppo Restaurant. After the interview trying to find his way out, he went out the back door instead of the front, passed a few people in the hallway and then through a door thinking it would get him back onto the City Walk but which much to his surprise took him right into Universal Studios Theme Park. He looked around and decided what the hell, he would stay for a couple of hours and go on some rides which he did. Two months later finding himself with no money to buy his brother a birthday present he told Zach he was going to take him to Universal Studios for his birthday. So he took Zach back to Buca di Beppo and told him to just act like they belonged. They proceeded to go through the back door down the hallway past a few people including a security guard whom they greeted and through one more door into the park. They had a grand day and then headed home. When they told me this story they laughed and I had the same reaction I had with the hotel breakfast. My first reaction was “That is so wrong” and my second reaction was “That’s hysterical. Good for you.” Once again I questioned my response as a mother. Really, what kind of mother was I?!
I will tell you what kind of mother I am - I am the kind of mother that hopes and prays that my boys will figure out a way to survive in the scary world out there. I am the kind of mother who wants my boys to think outside of the box so that when their original plans go awry they will have the knowledge, common sense and cleverness to somehow make it all work out anyway. I am the kind of mother who knows that at some point in my boys’ lives they will find themselves in a tough and maybe dangerous situation and I want them to have the problem solving skills to be able to get themselves out of there safely or to fight their way out if necessary. I am the kind of mother who wants her boys to be adaptable because it is much more important to survival than intelligence or strength. And yes, I want my boys to know how to “work the system” in order for them to get the assistance they deserve and the services they are paying for from the government, the healthcare industry, insurance companies et al. The reality is although a bit unethical I was damn happy to see that they had picked up some street smarts that validated that they were a little less naive than I thought. I felt a little bit more comfortable about sending them out into this world with problem solving skills, critical thinking skills and confidence. And if that makes me a bad mother, then so be it.
Now if I could just teach them how to properly lead a woman around the dance floor . . .
