The Other Side of Fear- Part 3
“Don’t go through even one day without doing something that scares you”
—-Eleanor Roosevelt—-
When I looked up this big handsome hunk of a guy was coming toward me with purpose, a smile on his face. “Are you Laura Alexander?” “Yeah, that’s me.” “I’m Randy, your jump master.” (Great! It will make it easier to jump if I’m strapped tightly to this hunk of a guy. ) “Oh, great. Nice to meet you. Is it my turn already?” I had been waiting for one year, 3 months 15 days and two hours but was still not quite sure I was ready.
The year before, Jake had gone skydiving, something I have dreamed of doing for as long as I can remember. Something I have been afraid of doing for as long as I can remember. I have acrophobia, small planes terrify me, and I am afraid of that pit in the stomach fear. And when Jake went skydiving, I was insanely jealous. I kept watching the video of his jump and it literally took my breath away every time I watched it. But I knew I had to do it. I knew I would regret it the rest of my life if I didn’t. So, I told Jake I would go with him the following summer. I did a lot of things to prepare myself. I started cutting out quotes about fear and courage that I hung all over the house. I also read a lot about Buddhism and living in the moment. I prayed for someone to talk me out of it. For a variety of reasons (including my fear) the summer came and went and I had still not gone. One day in September I was so angry with myself for not reaching my goal that I picked up the phone and made the reservation for October 8th. When I got off the phone, my palms were sweating and for the next three weeks I could think of nothing else.
I was never afraid of the parachute not opening or of dying. I was afraid of being scared in the airplane, of chickening out, of the feeling of falling. It never occurred to me to fear for my life. I told everyone I could that I was going to do this because I surmised that if enough people knew, then I would have to go through with it just so I wouldn’t “lose face”. I tried to plan what I would wear and what I would eat to satisfy my tendencies to want to control everything. Jake in his infinite wisdom told me “You don’t need to worry about that stuff Mom. You’re going to be so scared that none of that will even matter.” Thank you Jake.
As I boarded the plane I was still in denial. It wasn’t until I was straddled on a bench behind about four other people with Randy strapped to me in four different places that I realized that this was really going to happen. Randy must have smelled my fear because he leaned into me, gave me a squeeze and said “Don’t worry I’m going to keep us both safe.” Days after the jump I found out that Randy had done 4500 jumps before this day which number one comforted me but number two begged the question “Why did I not ask this person to whom I was trusting my life how much experience he had??”
At some point in the flight Randy handed me my goggles and when I looked up after putting them on one of the guys ahead of me just disappeared. Poof, he was gone. One minute he was just sitting there chatting with the other three and then the next minute he was gone. Just disappeared out the door. Not two minutes later another one disappeared. As each subsequent jumper disappeared Randy and I got closer and closer to the door. Ok, reality check, I am NOT going to jump out of this plane. It was loud in the plane but I yelled to Randy “I can’t do this” expecting him to move us aside so the others could go. But he yelled back “What? I can’t hear you.” “I said I can’t do this.” “Sorry, it’s too noisy I can’t hear you.” And with that we disappeared out the door just like all of those before us.
Now, I wish I could tell you that once we went out the door I pulled myself together and threw myself into the experience - you know, lived in the moment just like my Buddhist teachings but in fact it took me about 20 seconds to even open my eyes and when I did open them I realized I was screaming, not because I could hear myself (I couldn’t) but because my mouth was open and I could feel the scream going out. I was falling at 120 mph and the wind was extremely intense!! The noise was overwhelming, the view breathtaking. Randy had one arm across my chest patting me, trying to calm me. I was in total sensory overload - the noise, the wind, the endless sky, the feeling of flying, the hunky guy holding me. It was all a bit much. But then Randy my man, he pulled that cord and we were thrown into the most mind boggling quiet and calm that I have ever felt. As he pulled on the cords we swayed from side to side floating toward the ground in a sea of silence. Neither one of us spoke, the minutes drifted by undisturbed but for the occasional flapping of the parachute. I think I held my breath the whole way down for fear I would break the spell. We hit the ground running with a smooth landing and I burst into tears. To feel such intense fear, sensory overload, calm and joy all in the space of 10 minutes was amazing!!
“And once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you long to return.” Leonardi di Vinci
That jump and the fear I felt preceding it proved to me that I was capable of doing anything I put my mind to.