Wisdom of the Ages - Part 2 When to hold ‘em and When to fold ‘em
It was at UC Berkley, a premiere college with a reputation for being inclusive, progressive and diverse that I experienced bullying for the first time.
I started a job at UC Berkeley a couple of years ago as a Nurse Manager of the Occupational Health Clinic. I was excited about the job. I loved the idea of being in the University setting surrounded by students who were just starting their independent lives. I walked the campus every morning and every lunch hour, absorbing the atmosphere, the beauty, the hopes and dreams I could almost feel as I passed among the students. I was excited that this could be my last job before retirement and I really liked the people I met at the Tang Health Center. I was managing two Medical Assistants (MAs) and one Administrative Assistant (AA).
I spent the next three months observing the people I was managing, trying to learn their jobs, getting to know them and hopefully building their respect for me. Those three months were much more difficult than they should have been. I got a lot of pushback from the two MAs, Estela and Andrea. They begrudgingly taught me the software for occupational health and ever so slowly I got a handle on what each person was responsible for. But after three months I needed to start making changes. They were not happy. They became actively insubordinate and were openly hostile toward me. They talked to each other in Spanish in front of me so I couldn’t understand what they were saying and refused to answer my questions about the software. They were unkind to some of our patients on the phone and sometimes in person. They questioned everything I asked them to do, any changes that I made in the way we did something despite my asking for their input. They constantly complained about their workload despite the fact that they repeatedly refused my offer to help. On several occasions I had to leave the office to cry in private because I felt so lonely and misunderstood. Both of the MAs were complaining to their union falsely claiming that I was yelling and screaming at them and treating them like children.
One day after I had been there for five months Andrea said something cruel to me. I had to leave and as I walked off my hurt and anger I started thinking that maybe they were right. Maybe this was all my fault and I was the cause of this disharmony. I started crying and had a bit of a panic attack. I realized that they had finally done it, they had gotten into my head. I knew I had to leave. I headed up to the counseling department to speak with one of the counselors who was aware of what was going on in my clinic. I told him I was scared because they were getting into my head, that I was questioning my own actions over these past months. He stopped me and said, “Laura you are being bullied and abused not only by these two MAs but by the people above you who are not doing anything to protect you. And this is what abusers do. They convince you that it is your fault, and not them.” When he said the word abused I realized that’s exactly how I felt . Abused and bullied. I left that office and I went straight to my boss and gave my two weeks notice. The day before I left we had a meeting with the two MAs, the labor union reps, HR, Labor relations, myself and my boss. I sat and listened to these two women lie about how they were being treated by me. All I could do was look at them in confusion. It occurred to me to say something in that meeting but I just didn’t have it in me to fight them. I was emotionally and spiritually and physically exhausted by the past five months of bullying and I just didn’t have the energy. As I left the next day I was sad. Sad that there are people like Estela and Andrea that are so unhappy — that the only way they can express their unhappiness is by putting other people down. Sad that I couldn’t see this through and get on the other side of it. Sad that I had let all of the other people in the clinic down. Sad about the real sense of failure I felt even though in my heart of hearts I knew this wasn’t my fault. I guess the thing that bothers me most is that I knew that if I was 20 years younger I would have fought the fight and gotten on the other side of it. On the one hand that made me feel very very old and on the other hand it made me feel very very wise. That I am wise enough not to spend one more minute with hurtful people than I am required to. I just don’t have room in my life for that anymore.
Coming home from my last day at that job, I drove up my driveway and I heard loud shouting and cheering.
On my front porch were about 20 of my neighbors, friends and family. They were waving signs reading “F* that job” and playing “Take this job and shove it” and “Freedom”. They were hugging me and handing me a margarita and congratulating me on my decision to leave that job and not look back. We dined on a beautiful Mexican dinner that my neighbors had put together and danced the night away. It was such a meaningful celebration for me and the entire evening I kept thinking “THESE are the kind of people I want to spend my days with.“
This is the kind of wisdom I have been seeking my whole life. Believing in myself enough to make those difficult decisions, knowing that it will pay off. If I had been in my 20’s or 30’s and even perhaps my 40’s I don’t know that I would have walked away from that job. I probably would have stayed with it, too proud to let anyone think that I couldn’t turn the situation around, too blind to see that it was they that were the problem, not me and too young and inexperienced to understand when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em.
“Youth is the time for assimilation of wisdom. Old age is time for its application.” JEAN-JACQUES ROUSSEAU