Stress, Alcohol and Red Jelly Beans

As an expert in the art of procrastination I would often find myself up late at night starting and finishing a school assignment that had been given to me three weeks before.  At one point in my college career I remember having 14 different papers due before the end of the semester which was 3 weeks away.  They were of varying lengths ranging from a couple of pages to a 15 page end of semester report that would be worth 60% of my grade.  Although feeling a bit overwhelmed, I decided to just take one assignment at a time based on when it was due, work on it, finish it and move on to the next.  I just lived at the library. I never remember feeling particularly stressed about it.  I just knew what I had to do and did it.  I never worried about tests in school or experienced stomach aches or lost sleep from stress.  But when I hit the NICU as a nurse this was a stress way beyond anything I had ever imagined.  

I was working the night shift in the NICU and by this time I was being assigned some of the sickest babies.  Because of the high level of their care I would be assigned only one baby spending my night giving tiny amounts of medications, suctioning trachs, weighing their diapers, starting IVs in their little tiny veins, constant vital signs and assessments to catch any changes in their condition.  Many of these babies were hanging on by a thread.  A medication given late or a miscalculated setting on the ventilator could send them into a crisis at any time.  At 7 am my relief would come in and I would give her report on our little patient.  I would gather my belongings and head home but not to bed.  My fellow night nurses, Jan, Fran, Sue and I would head down to the marina.  There we would meet up with Mick whose friend owned a nice sized motorboat.  We would motor out onto the lake as the sun rose in the sky and reflected off the water and that’s when the drinking would begin.  Dozing on the deck we would get progressively drunker and spend the morning and early afternoon listening to music, dancing, drinking, laughing and forgetting.  Forgetting Tommy who died that day or Justin who was abandoned by his teenage mother because she couldn’t cope with his deformities, or Vanessa who had to be medically paralyzed so she wouldn’t fight after her cardiac surgery. We would try to forget Jason, the nine month old who had yet to see the world outside of the NICU,  Tanya who had a skin disease so rare we could only find two other cases in the literature leaving us lost as to how to treat it.  Mid afternoon we would head back home, get some sleep and then head back to the hospital for more of the same.  This was my first experience of real life stress and I did not manage it well.  I would eat, get drunk, sleep, go to my job, repeat.  Sometimes I would drink so much I would wake up hunched over the toilet retching into the bowl, the whole time cursing “those damn babies”.  On more than one occasion I would wake in the middle of the night convinced that I had forgotten to give a med and call the NICU just to be reassured I had in fact remembered.  If I was going to become an alcoholic, that was the year it would have happened.  I never learned how to deal with the stress of that particular situation.  I suspect I needed to turn off my emotions and not care so much but that was not something I was willing or knew how to do.  So I quit.  I was disappointed in myself but I was also glad I knew when to stop.  No matter how important the job or project or situation is to me if it is adversely affecting my life, health or my relationships, it is no longer worth it.  At different points in my life  I have had to admit to myself that it was time to move on no matter how difficult.  I am happy to say that my career as both a nurse and a mother taught me more creative ways to deal with stress than alcohol although a little tequila does come in handy at times.   

Over the years I have found that I very often don’t even know I am stressed until I am out of the stressful situation.  I think this is because I tend to just deal with things.  I’m not sure that I was always like this.  I believe my nurse’s training has taught me to hold my emotions in check until I am past the crisis and then I can fall apart.  The downside of this is not knowing I am in chronic stress mode until it is over and therefore not being aware enough to get myself out.  The day to day stress of parenthood taught me a lot about stress management.  This was a job I couldn’t just quit.  I had to figure it out.  

When you boys were very young we didn’t have many other children in the neighborhood who were home all day with their Moms.  So the five of us spent a lot of time together and consequently sometimes got on each other’s nerves.  There were many days when everyone would wake up in a good mood, we would have our day planned and everyone was getting along.  Those were magical days.  But there would be mornings during which every time I turned around someone was picking on someone else, small fights were breaking out everywhere and we just couldn’t get into our rhythm.  On those days I knew I needed to break the cycle - something desperate needed to be done.    And so I invented the “Red Jelly Bean Ceremony”.  

“Enough!!  It’s obviously time for the Red Jelly Bean Ceremony.”

“Mom, no, we don’t need the red jelly bean ceremony”  

“We don’t need the stupid ceremony Mom, my brothers just need to leave me alone.”  

 I would insist “Everyone, in a circle, NOW.”

This was followed by moans and groans and pushing and shoving. Everyone sat down.  I handed each of you a red jelly bean.

“Now, go around the circle and say one nice thing about each of your brothers.”  

“There aren’t any nice things, my brothers are stupid and annoying.” 

“OK, I’ve got one.  Zach didn’t pick his nose yet today.” 

“Yeah, and Sam hasn’t grossed me out yet this morning.”  

“Drew doesn’t smell as bad as usual.”  

This went on for awhile and the mood was lifting.  

“Now everyone close your eyes and hold up your red jelly bean.  You know what to do.”

You all closed your eyes only peeking a little,  lifted your jelly beans in the air and hummed in unison, “OOOmmmmmmmmmmm”   

The giggles started,  turned into laughter and then you all popped your red jelly beans into your mouths.  We were back on track.  

Sometimes the only way out of a stressful day of the balancing act called mothering was to laugh my way through it and sometimes I even had the energy and wherewithal to do that. Your Pop was great at this. Many times when the five of us were in the throes of a tension filled moment Pop would walk in and make a joke which would initially piss me off but then make us all laugh and the moment would pass. But more often than not I spent my days too focused on the task at hand and getting through the minutiae of life with four boys, balancing my time, my energy and my resources to keep my sense of humor intact. Mothering was one of the most stressful jobs I had ever undertaken not only because of the amount of work it involved but also because of the emotional toll and the fear of giving you all way too much material for the therapists you would go to in your adulthood.

One morning you boys were getting ready for school.  Now this time of morning was always a challenging one.  Being certain everyone was up and about, having breakfast, making lunches, collecting school gear.  When you throw into the mix one of you waking up on the wrong side of the bed, the challenge increased ten fold.  On this particular morning a couple of you were out of sorts.  But I plugged along trying to keep everyone focused on the task at hand - getting out of the house on time unscathed.  The more I pushed the more the tension increased.  Then the bickering began.  My sense of morning calm dissipated.  By the time we got in the car the four of you were in full combat mode as was I.   And it didn’t stop on the way to school.  I couldn’t get to the school fast enough to drop you off and get some peace.   But as I was driving down Fourth Street listening to you all picking on each other over nothing and feeling my own blood pressure rise I had a lightbulb moment.  This was unusual because I don’t usually have my lightbulb moments when they would be most helpful but this morning was different.  I pulled the car to the side of the road right in front of a coffee house.  You boys immediately stopped arguing.  Your focus had been switched from picking on each other to my unexpected stop.  “Mom, whatcha doin”  “Mom, we’re gonna be late” “Mom we don’t have time for you to get coffee.”  I got out and opened the car doors “Get out boys.  You’re coming with me.”  For the first time that morning there was total silence.  You looked at me suspiciously.  This was out of the ordinary.  This was strange.  Who took our real Mom away and who is this woman? 

I took you inside and had you each order a hot chocolate and a pastry.  I ordered coffee and a sweet little pastry for myself.  We all sat around a little table and talked about nothing and everything.  Everyone calmed down, everyone started laughing a little.  We didn’t rush, I didn’t once look at my watch.  I thought to myself “It is what it is.  If we are late, we are late.”  After 15-20 minutes we left, all feeling calmer and more in control.  We were laughing.  We were looking forward to the day.  Yes, we were late and the world didn't end, and I hoped that you all learned a lesson in stress management.   

One of the overwhelming truths about parenting was knowing that you all were watching Pop and I all the time, learning from Pop and my role modeling more than anything you would learn from a book or a conversation with us or your teachers. Our response in a crisis, handling stress, anger and disappointment. It made us better people so that hopefully through us you would become better people. And every once in awhile something would happen when we knew all of our efforts just might be paying off.

One morning when Jake was in Eighth Grade he asked me to take him over to the high school to shoot off some rockets for his science project.  It was right after the holidays and I was exhausted after having company and entertaining 10 people for the last few days but he needed to get it done so I had no choice.  I was admittedly out of sorts and resentful that I couldn’t just lie back and enjoy the rest of the holiday. 

“Are you sure you have everything you need?”

“Yeah Mom, it’s all here.”  

We drove over to the school and as we got out of the car Jake said “Uh oh”.  Sure enough he had forgotten an important piece of needed equipment.  I nearly lost it.  I’m sure I had some harsh words.  

“Stay here and get everything else set up.  I’ll go get it.”

I remember how sorry he looked but I just couldn’t care.  I was too stressed and angry about the entire situation.  I went home, got the piece and returned to the high school where Jake waited.  As I got out of the car he looked at me sheepishly and said “Is it time for the red jelly bean ceremony?”