Family Part 1 - My Dad
Most of my memories of my Dad are from the two week camping vacations we took every summer. He was always very relaxed and fun to be around during those vacations. We would set up camp and would in for our two weeks of unbridled play and relaxation. It was on those camping trips that I learned from Dad the crucial life lesson that if you play with the campfire in the evening, you’ll pee in your bed that night.
Whenever we took long trips my Dad insisted we leave at 4 a.m. As a kid I never understood that but as parent I totally get it. That would give he and Mom a good four hours of uninterrupted, quiet travel time. My Mom would shake us awake and line us up in a row on the couch, in our jammies, our eyes half closed, listening to the activity as they finish the last of the preparations. They would walk us out to the old blue station wagon where they have put all the seats flat and laid out our four sleeping bags. We would each climb into a bag and try to get back to sleep. One time we were staying in a motel in Las Vegas. It was about 110 degrees during the day so Dad decided that we needed to leave at 4 a.m. to head for California to beat the heat since in those days we didn’t have air conditioning in the car. We all got up and got ready and then Dad opened the door to the motel to head out to the car and the heat hit us like he had opened an oven door. At 4 a.m. it was still 110 degrees. I can still see the look on Dad’s face. Although he didn’t say it he was very clearly thinking OH SHIT!
Dad was a big tease. One year he decided to take us on a 3 week vacation. Our final destination in California was going to be Los Angeles where we could stay with some old friends from our Park Forest neighborhood, the Drakes. As usual my parents loaded us up into the car at 4 a.m. to get a jump on the day of travel. We immediately headed south since we wanted to see the Grand Canyon. The first few days were long days of travel with not much to see. But my Dad kept telling us “Wait until we get to Texas! Everything is bigger in Texas!” We were so excited. We just couldn’t imagine how big everything would be. To our disappointment and my Dad’s glee it turns out everything is the same size in Texas.
On these long trips we kids took turns sitting up front between Mom and Dad. This was considered one of the best seats in the car. But it also had its downside as every once in awhile when I least expected it Dad would reach over and squeeze my leg in that most sensitive spot right above my knee which would make me jump and slap his hand and make him chuckle. Because I never knew when it was coming I always sat in this constant state of anxiety. The minute I relaxed, the squeeze would come. That was the thing about Dad. I knew his little sneaky things were coming but they were not always predictable so I always had to be on alert. Many times, but not all the time, when I went in for a good night kiss, he would pull me close and rub his evening whiskers across my delicate little girl face. Or he would spit on his hand and rub in a circle over my arm hairs to make knots in my hair while I laughed and screamed and tried to pull away. When we visited Yellowstone Park we were walking past the hot mud pots and Dad turned to Beth and said “Put your finger in there.” As she reached out to put her finger in the mud pot he grabbed her at the last second and chuckled. When we were at Grandpa’s camp one time Grandpa had a big snapping turtle in a box crate. Dad said “Put your finger in there.” I reached out and Dad grabbed me back. He took a stick and put it through the slats of the crate and the turtle snapped that thing right in half. Then he chuckled. Over the years we kind of learned not to stick our finger anywhere Dad told us to. I suppose if I told these stories to someone who didn’t know Dad they would think he was some kind of creepy guy but it was never like that. We knew it was all in good fun and it kept us alert.
Dad was very astute when it came to having difficult conversations and negotiating. One day I asked him to help me ask my manager, Mickey, for a raise at McDonalds. He said, “Ok, let’s role play, you ask me for a raise and I will respond.” And so I started “Mickey, I think I should get a raise.” “And why do you think you should get a raise?” And so it went — after every one of my lines, Dad would respond with a question. By the end of the conversation, not only did I not get a raise, he convinced me I didn’t even deserve one and quite possibly should get a demotion! He was brilliant! I had a whole new level of respect for him as a businessman after that day.
Dad was not only a shrewd businessman but he showed a certain cleverness in other aspects of his life. For as long as I can remember he did not own an umbrella. I once asked him what he did when it rained. He took the train to work every day and his stop was at the end of the line. The station was quite large and indoor with shops. He said that on rainy days when he got off the train he would go to the Lost and Found and tell them that he lost a black umbrella. He said they always had black umbrellas in the Lost and Found. They would bring out a few of them and he would pick one out and say “Oh! There it is!” and take it. He would use it to get to and from work and at the end of the day before he got on the train he would return it to the Lost and Found and tell them that he had found it on the train.
As Dad prepared us for dating young men he told us girls that if a guy ever put his hand on your thigh you should take his hand in yours, smile and say “I’ll keep that warm for you.” He told us it would keep the guy happy and us out of trouble. This was actually great advice and I used it several times in my dating career but he gave me this advice long before I understood why a guy would put his hand on my thigh in the first place and what kind of trouble I could possibly get into if he did. The other advice he gave us was if we were ever invited to a party by guys we should be certain other people were coming to the party too. He went on the explain that when he was young he and a friend of his would invite a couple of girls to “a party” but not invite anyone else. When the girls arrived they would say they couldn’t understand why no one else showed up and have the girls to themselves. I filed this one away and always asked who else was going to be at the party and was never once taken by surprise. Interestingly enough those are the only two bits of dating advice I can remember Dad giving me although he did give us a sip of his high ball every evening to get us used to alcohol and train us up to be able to drink any guy under the table. I guess he figured that covered it.
There were a few Dadisms that we would hear again and again. If you ever asked Dad what he was building he would ALWAYS respond “a mucket” no matter what it was. It took me a long time to realize there was no such thing as a mucket. If you saw him, keys in hand walking toward the car and asked him where he was going he would always respond “Crazy, want to go along?” Then you would take your chances because it would either be a boring trip to the hardware store or a refreshing trip to the dairy queen. He would never tell you which one it was going to be. Finally there was his most basic of Dadisms regarding finances “Save half and spend half.”
Woodworking was one of Dad’s many passions. He had a workshop that any man would lust after down in our basement with every kind of tool imaginable. It seemed he was always building something. A TV stand for our old black and white TV, wall to wall cabinets in the utility room, the hutch for the living room, all built to perfection. One year my Dad did something I will always remember. My Grandma had a beautiful garden along her driveway. At the end of that garden was a large walnut tree. At some point she decided to get rid of the walnut tree and my Dad, who was always wanting to learn something new decided that he would be the one to chop it down. My Dad, his best friend, Dave Collins and we kids all went to Grandma’s house one day with the sole purpose of cutting down this walnut tree and getting it cut into planks. My Dad really had never done anything like this before but being my Dad he decided we would just figure it out. Back then we did not have the luxury to just google “how to cut down a tree.” With much discussion between he and Dave Collins we managed to cut the tree down without injury or incident and then he and Mr. Collins cut it up enough to load it into a truck. We then took it to a little lumber yard in the middle of nowhere and had it cut into planks. For at least a year those planks laid in our basement to dry. Once they were dry my Dad started building things with the wood. He built each of us a clock for our High School graduation. Then he made candlesticks, lots and lots of candlesticks. Not sure what else he made out of that wood but the thing that struck me about this whole episode was that I had seen this wood go from being a tree to being a polished piece of furniture. I had personally experienced the entire process. And I love the fact that I own a little piece of my Grandma’s tree.
Although I have never felt as close to my Dad as I have to Mom I always felt loved by him and I always felt like I could go to him for advice which I did many times especially as I got older. I think our emotional distance had more to do with the fact that he traveled so much for work and we just didn’t spend as much time together. Also, Dad and I are very much alike. We both have always had very strong opinions, and we both are a bit pig headed and I believe that made our relationship a little more complicated. We both softened a bit as we grew older but we still tended to clash.
After Mom died in 2009 Dad lived alone in Escondido. One day he went out to the backyard of their home and fell and couldn’t get back up. He laid out there for four hours before someone found him. He was dehydrated and sunburnt but other than that ok. But that was the impetus for us to move him close to one of us kids. He lived independently in Florida for two years ten minutes from Beth. One day Beth was talking to my Dad about his funeral arrangements and telling him that he should set some money aside for the funeral. He responded that he didn’t want us spending any money on his funeral and Beth said “Well just what do you think we’re gonna do when you die?” He said with a familiar twinkle in his eye “Don’t claim the body.”
Through his actions this is what Dad taught me:
Work hard
Be strong
Be respectful but don’t be taken advantage of
Try new things
Have fun
Laugh at yourself
Don’t play with fire
Have a plan
Spend half and Save half
Support yourself
Take vacations
Be yourself
Have confidence and if you don’t, pretend you do
Pay attention to details
Stay Alert
and most of all Don’t Stick Your Finger Just Anywhere
In February of 2019, still living in his own apartment and still as sharp as ever, Dad ended up in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia and died a few days later. He went as he always wished, quietly, in his sleep with his children close by. And yes, we claimed the body.